


so here i am, alive at last

by aarobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sexuality Crisis, Suicide Attempt, Teenagers, it's sort of aaron's story pre 2011 with robert written into it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 06:24:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12835176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarobron/pseuds/aarobron
Summary: teenagers!au. aaron's coming out story, with robert as his best friend.or,The alcohol coursing through Robert’s veins make him brave. It gives him courage, and he doesn’t think twice before he opens his mouth. “It’s true, isn’t it?” He asks quietly, not daring to look Aaron in the eye. “What Adam’s saying.”He expects Aaron to kick off, to scream and shout or even punch him, but he doesn’t do any of that. “Yeah,” He admits, barely a breath.Robert risks a glance up but Aaron’s head is hung, like he’s ashamed. “You’re gay?” He murmurs, offering his best friend the bottle. He only gets a nod in return, but that’s enough. “It doesn’t change anything.”





	so here i am, alive at last

**Author's Note:**

> written in approx. 1 hour so sorry for any mistakes!
> 
> title from [the taste of ink by the used](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZka3E37k6w). this song heavily influenced this fic, so it may be helpful if you listen to it (but you don't have to). fair warning, it's very emo. 
> 
> references to aaron's mental health in this, plus his canon suicide attempt. please be prepared.
> 
> thank you for reading x

To put it nicely, Aaron looks awful. He’s chapped lips and pale skin, exhausted eyes and a heavy heart. He’s not hiding it, instead wearing it for all to see. It punches the breath right out of Robert’s lungs, that initial glimpse he sees each day.

Something’s got to give, and Robert’s afraid it’s going to be Aaron. 

“Hey,” He says quietly, approaching Aaron like he’s trying not to frighten off a startled deer. Aaron barely glances at him, but when he does, it’s with wide, watery eyes. “How are you doing?”

“You know,” Aaron says, the same monotone that’s been decorating his voice since he got out of hospital. “Like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

He doesn’t say, _like I want to be hit by a truck_ , but they both hear it.

“Do you trust me?” Robert asks, smiling softly at his best friend. He risks a hand pressed to the curve of Aaron’s shoulder, and he flinches but doesn’t wrench his body away. It’s a step in the right direction, at the very least.

Aaron frowns, finally turning to face Robert. “Of course I do,” He says as though he’s offended that Robert could think otherwise. It’s the first spark of emotion that Robert has heard in _weeks_.

“Come with me, then,” He whispers, guiding Aaron to his car.

.

There are several reasons that Robert hates Adam Barton, but this? This is the biggest one. 

“I’m telling ya, man!” Adam near enough shouts, voice carrying across the cricket pitch. They’re all spread out on the grass: Victoria, Holly, Hannah, Chrissie. Proper little crew, as Hannah (in all her naivety) keeps calling them. “He’s _gay_! He tried to kiss me!” 

Robert can only be grateful that Aaron isn’t here, but it doesn’t stop his eyes from flitting around the perimeter of the field – just in case. “Even if he was,” Robert mutters, hunching his spine so he doesn’t have to make eye contact with anyone. “He’d have to have a _brain injury_ to want you.” 

Adam either doesn’t hear or ignores it, blissfully carrying on the story they’ve all heard at least four times in the last week. Vic hears, though, and thumps him on the arm with all the strength her little body can muster. “Don’t talk about him like that!” She hisses, glancing round to check nobody else heard.

“Vic! That hurt!” He huffs, shifting away from her. He picks up the last can that’s in the pile in the middle of the circle and cracks the tab, downing half of it in two gulps. “I just don’t think it’s something he should be shouting his mouth off about.” 

“You don’t know anything about it,” Vic says confidently – cockily. Robert holds back the urge to roll his eyes, and bites his tongue on _yes I do_. “If he is, people deserve to know.” 

Robert stands, dusts his jeans off with harsh movements. “If he is,” He repeats on a snarl. “Don’t you think he has the right to tell people of his own accord?” 

And with that, he stalks off, pavilion in sight and the bottle of whiskey that’s stashed in there in mind. Sometimes, he seriously doesn’t know why he’s friends with these people.

.

“Where are you taking me?” Aaron asks. He rests his temple against the cool glass of the window, but he’s not watching the trees go by outside. His eyes are firmly on Robert, tracking every detail of his face.

“You’ll see,” Robert smiles, flicking the car’s stereo to life. The Stone Roses spill out of the speakers, bass thumping loud enough that Robert can feel it in the balls of his feet. 

“I like this album,” Aaron says, almost inaudible. He wants to be heard though, judging by the way his eyes flit to Robert’s profile. 

Robert turns the volume a little louder, two numbers and then another four, and rolls down the driver’s side window and belts out _the past was yours, but the future’s mine_ as loud as he can. Mundane people on the mundane streets of Hotten are staring, but it doesn’t matter.

Aaron’s smiling, Aaron’s laughing, and when Robert says, “I know you do,” he isn’t heard over the music. But it doesn’t matter.

.

Bruises and cuts bloom over Aaron’s knuckles, red and purple and turning green around the edges. They look painful, but he doesn’t let it show. He just takes another swig from the vodka bottle, and smiles numbly at Robert. 

The alcohol coursing through Robert’s veins make him brave. It gives him courage, and he doesn’t think twice before he opens his mouth. “It’s true, isn’t it?” He asks quietly, not daring to look Aaron in the eye. “What Adam’s saying.” 

He expects Aaron to kick off, to scream and shout or even punch him, but he doesn’t do any of that. “Yeah,” He admits, barely a breath.

Robert risks a glance up but Aaron’s head is hung, like he’s ashamed. “You’re gay?” He murmurs, offering his best friend the bottle. He only gets a nod in return, but that’s enough. “It doesn’t change anything.” 

Aaron does look up then, eyes wet, tears tattooing red streaks on his cheek. “You mean that?” 

“’Course I do,” Robert says, doesn’t think twice about covering Aaron’s knee with his hand.

.

Aaron’s asleep now, forehead pressed against the window and mouth dropped open a little bit. He’s puffing out breaths, way too quiet than he used to be, but it’s a sign of life and lets Robert know they’re here and alive and _okay_. 

It’s dark, too dark – approaching midnight, and as they get closer to Leeds, the streets become busier. Half-dressed girls and staggering men spill out of pubs, but he doesn’t wish he was among them. 

He’s twenty-one and he _should_ , but all he wants is in this car. All he wants is sleeping, hopefully peacefully, in the seat next to him. All he wants hates himself, and there’s not much Robert can do to change that, but he wants to try. 

The thought spurs him on, inspires promises to himself. To both of them.

**You can want to be alive.**

**You can be proud of yourself.**

**You can be the person you were always meant to be.**

He tells himself that too, despite the panic he represses daily.

.

Something catches his attention out of the corner of his eye, and he frowns as he walks up the gravel path to the garage. It’s- _Aaron_ \- his heart bursts right out of his chest and leaves a bloody path behind him as he breaks into a sprint.

Adam’s leaning over the man – _boy_ , Robert’s mind supplies, _he looks so small_ – and his hands are flying all over the place.

But that’s Aaron. Unconscious, barely breathing, lifeless and pale. 

He needs to do something.

“Move!” He cries, both hands shoving Adam hard enough that he stumbles and falls onto his back. Robert doesn’t even spare a glance at him though, works on ripping Aaron’s overalls open with one hand and two fingers of the other hand on his throat, trying to feel a pulse.

It’s weak and fluttery, irregular, but it’s _there_ and that’s enough for him to work with. He can hear Adam shouting behind him and Cain’s desperate voice calling for an ambulance, but he ignores it all.

 _Aaron_.

He gets both hands over Aaron’s chest, pushes rhythmically, tries not to think too hard about it. It’s instinct, but his mind is a tornado of begging.

**Please, don’t take him.**

**Anyone but him.**

**I need him.**

It’s selfish but it _works_ , and when Aaron’s mouth opens on the tiniest gasp of air, he goes dizzy with relief.

 _Aaron_.

.

“Hey,” He whispers, carding a hand through Aaron’s curls. His hair is ungelled, a bit of a mess, but this is the side of him Robert likes most. He just wishes it could’ve come under better circumstances. “We’re here.” 

Aaron blinks himself awake slowly, but he smiles when he sees Robert’s face a few inches from his own. “I don’t know what this is,” He whispers, voice gravelly from sleep, and he catches Robert’s wrist as he tries to pull his hand away, squeezes tonight. “But thank you.”

“Always,” Robert says sincerely, squeezing back. He gets out of the car and rounds to Aaron’s side, opens the door with a bow. “After you.” 

He’s not normally this dorky, but a quiet laugh bubbles from Aaron’s lips – and that’s why it’s worth it. He starts up the dirt path, beaten and dusty from hundreds of feet battering it, and only glances back once to make sure Aaron’s following. He doesn’t need to, though. Aaron would always follow, he’d said, _of course I trust you_.

They reach the top of the hill quickly, and he spins to face Aaron. “Voila,” He says, spreading his arms wide, tracking Aaron’s face as he takes it all in. “This is for you.” 

“Robert,” Aaron breathes, voice choked with emotion. “This is-“ He cuts himself off, looks embarrassed and Robert knows it’s because he can’t find the words.

“It’s alright,” Robert says, bumping their shoulders together when Aaron stands next to him.

He doesn’t need words. He can see it all on Aaron’s face.

.

 _One at a time, please_ , the doctor had said, a forlorn look on his face. Aaron’s awake but he’s not living, just staring blankly at walls with tear tracks burning into his face. 

Adam stands, starts towards the room, but Victoria’s hand on his arm stops him and he sighs. “You go,” He offers to Robert, even though he looks bitter as the words leave his mouth.

Robert doesn’t have to be told twice – he’s out of his seat and into Aaron’s room before the words have even registered. “Hey,” He greets softly, sitting on the edge of the chair that’s placed next to Aaron’s bed. “I was going to ask how you’re feeling, but that’s a stupid question.” 

He looks tiny, in a scratchy hospital gown with the covers pulled right up to his chin. There are tubes and wires coming out of too many places of his body, and Robert sees an unused ventilator sitting at the side of the bed. It makes something low in Robert’s belly clench, to think that a machine was keeping Aaron breathing because he didn’t actually want to. 

“Why’d you save me?” Aaron asks, looking embarrassed at his outburst but also determined. “I didn’t want to be saved.” 

“I’m not going to let you _die_ , Aaron,” He snaps back, but then takes a deep breath through his nose and tries to calm himself down. “I told you before – it doesn’t change anything. And it doesn’t change anything for anyone else, either. We love you, no matter who you are.” 

There’s a beat of silence, two, stretching out to what could be minutes or hours. “I just don’t get it,” Aaron admits tearfully, biting his lower lip so hard that it must hurt. “I don’t accept it, so how can you?” 

“Because you’re my best friend. I loved you before I knew,” He says quietly, dragging the chair closer to the bed and taking Aaron’s hand in his own. “And you’re still that same person, whether you’re gay or straight.”

“I don’t see it like that,” Aaron breathes, staring hard at their joined hands. “And I don’t know if I ever will.” 

Robert dips his head, but traces his thumb over Aaron’s knuckles anyway. “That’s alright. I’ll just have to keep telling you until you believe me.”

.

The sky is pitch black and Robert can just about see the outline of the trees around them, but the moon seems to hit Aaron perfectly and highlight his features. There’s awe in his eyes, shining wet with tears, and a small smile on his face.

“Why’d you bring me here?” He asks, voice barely above a whisper. He doesn’t turn but his hand finds Robert’s under the cover of darkness, and he tangles their fingers together.

“Because there’s more out there than that village,” Robert admits truthfully, smoothing his thumb over Aaron’s knuckles like he did that day in the hospital. “Because there are _so many_ reasons to live. Even the small things, like this view – it’s worth it.” 

The lights of Leeds dance out before them, stretching side to side and twinkling like stars. If Robert tries hard enough, he can pick out constellations like the ones in the galaxy above them. He’s done it before.

“You’re not the only one, you know,” He adds conversationally, even though his heart his thudding dangerously fast against his ribcage. “I’m bisexual.” 

Aaron doesn’t look at him and he’s grateful, knows he’d crumble at just a glance, but he squeezes his hand tighter. “That doesn’t change anything,” He says, repeats the words Robert had told him not too long ago.

“There is something that does, though,” Robert says, still staring out over Leeds. He tips his head up to the sky, looks at the stars like reflected lights, and knows that if he could, he’d pick them out of the sky and give them to Aaron. “I love you.” 

Breath catches in Aaron’s throat, audible and real, and he digs his fingernails into the back of Robert’s hand. “You mean that?” He asks, in awe, as though he can’t believe anyone could ever feel like that about him.

Robert can believe it. He’s living it.

“Yeah,” He breathes, turning to face Aaron. “I think I have for a long time, and you deserve someone to love you.”

The younger man follows his lead, faces Robert and takes a step forward until they’re inches apart. “I do feel the same…” Aaron says, looks pained. Robert knows that he can’t say the words, can’t find the exact way to describe how he’s feeling, so he nods and feels one of Aaron’s hands slide up his chest. He leans up slightly, face tilted as his eyes flicker toward’s Robert’s lips. A hint.

Robert takes it.

He fits the palm of his free hand along the sharp line of Aaron’s jaw, splays his fingers across his neck and the back of his head and angles his face upwards. Aaron’s eyes slip shut, a confirmation, a question, and Robert leans forward. It’s not perfect – a soft kiss, open-mouthed and barely lasting two seconds, but it’s _them_.

It’s a sign of things to come.

“Thank you,” Aaron whispers, their foreheads resting together as his breath puffs warm against Robert’s cheek. There’s a flush rising up his neck and his chest is heaving, and he’s not just living anymore.

“What for?” Robert asks with a frown, tracing his thumb from Aaron’s jaw to the corner of his lips. He wants to touch, kiss, every single part of him. Because he’s _allowed_ to now. 

“For bringing me back to life,” Aaron half-smiles, and Robert knows what he means: for saving him, for bringing him here, for loving him.

His eyelids close and he presses forward, kisses Aaron again – hard and soft, long but short. “Always,” He says, and promises.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ [aarobron](http://aarobron.tumblr.com/) xo


End file.
